Left 4 Dinner (Please Refrain From Failing On My Internets)

If you've been playing Left 4 Dead non-stop for the past several months, you might not have heard that Left 4 Dead 2 is being released on November 17th. Of this year, yes. That's a week from today, and you're just now hearing about? Oh, my! How in the world will you possibly get ready for such a momentous occasion in only seven days? Well, I suppose the fact that you've spent the last 358 days or so killing zombies is a pretty good start, but it's not enough. Don't worry, though - I'm here to help!

Left 4 Dead, as you know, is an action-packed and innovative team-based first person shooter. Two points if you can figure out which part of that description can effectively turn "teh bestist gaem evar" into a steaming pile of "I hate life, just kill me now." "Team-based," that's right! It's quite simple to suck at L4D simply by being an idiot. That one guy that runs off to grab dinner without telling anyone and gets his head popped off by a smoker, or the noob that runs ahead and starts the bridge event, probably aggroing a tank on the way...

But fear not, fellow gamer! Though you may not have the skill or the know-how to beat even a single campaign, I can at least give you the know-how. Why? Because I care. Actually I don't, I just want you not to be terribad so that if I happen to join your game on Xbox Live, it'll actually be fun.

Oops, too much honesty? Sorry! <3

STEP ONE: Buy the game

There are few things in life better than killing zombies. I can't believe you haven't bought this game yet.

STEP TWO: Don't play without a mic

A mic comes with your Xbox. I ordered mine used and I still got a mic with it. If your inane antics have somehow destroyed and/or caused your mic to be lost and/or teleported your mic into a hellish dimension of terror, you may or may not find a link to order a new one from Amazon on this page. If you play L4D on the PC, I don't like you.

Let me take a moment to explain why your mic is so important. This is a team-based game, remember? If you don't have a mic, you can't talk to your buddy-buddies and they can't talk to you. Oh yes, that's right - you can't hear game chat without a mic! You can hear party chat, but if you don't have a mic you probably don't have any friends anyway.

Remember this: the faster you and your teammates can react to save each other, run away from tanks and do cool stuff like yell out when you're throwing a molotov so everyone doesn't die in a fire, the less likely you are to massively fail and die. Normally I'd tell you that speaking is faster than typing, but you can't type on an Xbox (shut up, PC guy - assuming you have text chat, but I have never played the PC version) so it's sort of a moot point.

Also, keep in mind that playing in a game with other people is a privilege. If you have an annoying voice and/or laugh, or whine and complain all the time, expect to be kicked in the neck and out of the game. Especially if I'm there.

STEP THREE: Don't be a jackass

The other players have the option of voting to kick you from the game. If you start doing retarded things, they will most likely take advantage of that fact and you will run home crying, if you're not already there. Keep in mind that this is a list of things that you definitely should do as ofte- wait, no, that doesn't sound right...

• shoot your buddies in the face
• run around in circles randomly firing your M-16 into the air
• repeatedly close the safe room door to keep people out
• try to run to the end of the level because a tank spawned and you don't know how to kill it
• shoot the statue in the airport because you heard you can blow it up and roll the ball around
• yell really loudly in your mic and see if anyone can still concentrate on the game
• split-screen with someone on the opposite team
• spawn as a smoker or hunter and think it's cool to scratch people
• go afk unannounced
• go afk announced while playing as survivors (in versus; losing one player for a few minutes is much less detrimental as infected, although it would still be super cool if you could wait until the game ends)
• go afk after leaving the safe room (online campaign)
• go afk for hours on end while you're the host (lobby)
  

Those are things that you should not do. It is by no means a complete list, but it's a good start and if you have a modicum of common sense, you'll be able to figure out what else you shouldn't do. If you can't, getting kicked out of games will teach you!

STEP FOUR: Learn to love corners

When all four survivors are stacked on top of each other in a corner, crouching, and blasting away at the horde, they are, for all intents and purposes, invincible. Unless someone does something stupid. Boomer bile doesn't do anything, a hunter will get instantly destroyed, a smoker won't drag anyone far, and a tank - well, yeah a tank will tear them limb from limb, but when was the last time you saw someone dumb enough to spawn a tank and summon the horde at the same time?

Oh yeah, that's right, people on the internet are stupid and do this all the time. (Hint: Don't do it.)

STEP FIVE: Know how to deal with special infected

Special infected are what make L4D more interesting than your average run'n'gun shoot 'em up. Unless you work as a team, they will pick you off one by one and murder you until you're dead. Then they'll probably murder you some more just for good measure, and then eat you.

Under most circumstances you can have a boomer, a smoker, and two hunters spawned at one time, although occasionally you will see something bizarre like three hunters and a smoker (I'm almost positive this is a bug only seen in versus, but I don't play enough normal campaigns to swear by that). At certain points a tank will spawn - you can have as many as two per level, plus extras once the rescue vehicle arrives in the fifth level) and you will sometimes come across a witch.

Remember: Pounced (hunters) and constricted (smokers) survivors can't move or attack, and incapped survivors can't move but have access to their pistols. This is why it's important to play as a team and stick together. Unless you just really enjoy losing.

• Smoker: Smokers are easily identified by the green cloud of smoke around them as well as by the hacking and coughing from years of rolling and smoking brains. Like most zombies, smokers can scratch but that just makes them easy to kill! Their tongue has a long range and will drag survivors towards them, slowly choking them to death. It's also possible for him to pull a survivor off of a building for an instant kill - if you get smoked off a building you're actually supposed to grab onto the edge, but sometimes the game gets a little crazy. If a smoker grabs your buddy from a rooftop, the quickest way to deal with it is to smack them, causing the smoker to let go, and move on. If they're on the ground it is sometimes easier just to shoot them (them being the smoker!). You can also shoot the tongue and destroy it - the smoker takes 45 seconds to grow a new one. BONUS TIP: It's possible to free yourself from a smoker by shooting him right after he grabs you.
  
• Hunter: Those creepy screaming growly dudes in black hoodies. They can wall jump by pouncing at walls and quick-turning, and pounce someone and scratch their face off, which as usual, does much more damage than simply scratching. Watch out for hunters on rooftops, as the longer a pounce is, the higher the initial damage. Hunters can be knocked off their victim or killed, whichever is faster, but if you knock them off, they'll be able to pounce again very quickly. BONUS TIP: Hunters can be knocked out of the air by a melee swing or a headshot!
• Boomer: The fat ugly guy that makes those gross gurgling vomity noises. He can scratch you, but will usually die first due to low hit points. The real danger is the bile he spews at you - it attracts the horde, and killing him will blow him up, spewing bile everywhere anyway! Shove him back and kill him while he's away from everyone. BONUS TIP: Boomer bile does not taste delicious!
  
• Witch: Hear that crying? That music? Yeah, that's a witch. Turn off your flashlight, don't shoot at her, and try to sneak around her. If you can't, you have two options: crown her (shoot her in the back of the head with a shotgun, if you do it right it's a one-shot kill) or light her on fire and run away while the others shoot her down. If she catches the first person to startle her, she will one-hit incap them and go to town on them with her huge claws. They hurt. A lot. (You can also just shoot her and run, but lighting her on fire is more effective.)
• Tank: This guy looks like a huge badass, especially in the intro movie, but tanks really aren't that bad unless you get caught in a tight space. When you hear his music, get ready for a fun fight. If you're in the green, you run faster than a tank, so you can kite him all day. Just run around and shoot him 'til he drops. Keep in mind, however, that he can rip chunks of concrete from the ground to throw at you as well as punch large objects like cars and forklifts (yeah, those are a one-shot incap, and by far the most effective way to win at versus mode). It is generally in your best interest to dodge such things.

Hopefully you already know how to deal with normal infected. If you don't, you should play a different game. Like solitaire.

STEP SIX: Use fire and explosives properly and with extreme caution!

Molotovs and gas cans are usually best saved for tanks and witches. Burning them makes them much easier to deal with, plus you get achievements!

Propane tanks and pipe bombs, on the other hand, are perfect for blowing up the horde (yes, yes, lighting them on fire works, too, but explosives are not as effective against tanks and witches). Pipe bombs make a lot of noise, so they will even draw the infected to them for that satisfying burst of red mist (and yet the achievement "Red Mist" requires kills with the turrets... hm....).

STEP SEVEN: Reload!

So it's pretty quiet, huh? Just wiped out a few dozen horde and a handful of special infected, yeah? But aren't you forgetting something? You only have one shell in your shotgun! Since you're not killing anything more yet, why not reload now? It'll save you time later, and saving time means saving lives! Or in this case, saving time means killing more zombies, which is even better!

STEP EIGHT: Buy Left 4 Dead 2

It's coming out next week, remember? Oh, by the way, in case you didn't know, L4D2 introduces three new kinds of special infected, plus wandering witches, as well as new items and weapons. What's most important right now, though, is knowing about the new baddies.

• Chargers: It has just, at this very moment, occurred to me that these guys sort of look like Trogdor with their one huge arm. They will run at you, grab you, and smash you into the ground repeatedly until you die. As far as I know the only way to make them drop a survivor is by killing them. I haven't played the demo in a few days, but I'm fairly certain you can hear these guys roaring or something. I don't know, whatever. Also, I'm almost entirely certain that they spawn in place of a hunter.
• Jockeys: These are little guys with a crazy, scary laugh. It's really pretty creepy. They don't do a lot of damage, but when they hop on someone, they can control that person to a certain extent. They can be knocked off survivors, and I am fairly certain that they spawn in place of a smoker. I know some people think that they are pretty useless, but the fact that you can use a jockey to run your survivor away from the others and/or into spitter (getting to them in a moment) goo seems pretty awesome to me. I'm excited to see how they turn out in versus.
• Spitters: These horribly dangerous dead people look a lot like smokers, except they have green goo dripping from their mouth. Like a boomer (which, again, I am fairly certain they spawn in place of), they spit this at you. Unlike a boomer, it doesn't stick to you and it doesn't attract the horde. It sticks to the ground and does boatloads of damage very quickly. I would recommend not standing in it. I cannot confirm this myself, but I have heard that by elevating yourself (standing on a table, car, box, etc.) you can avoid damage. Hopefully this isn't true or will be fixed, because that would seriously devalue them.
• Wandering witches: They are exactly the same as normal witches, except... well, they wander. I haven't played the demo a whole lot (in case you haven't played it at all, it's only two levels - levels, not campaigns), but once again, I am pretty sure that they follow a set path. Obviously they are a good deal more dangerous than normal witches since they can walk into you and go nuts, but they are also easier to sneak past if you are paying attention.

I know you're probably getting tired of hearing me say that I'm almost sure of things, but the game isn't even out for another week, so bear with me, alright? I believe that this means that of the four special infected that can be spawned at once, we now have this:

Boomer = Spitter + Smoker = Jockey + Hunter = Charger + Hunter = Charger

That's a lot of possible variations. This is a good thing! It will make the game even more interesting. Speaking of interesting... new items! You can still only carry one item in each slot (throwing items, medical supplies, and first aid kits).

• Jar of Bile (throw): Bottled boomer bile! At last, you can spawn zombies to attack... well, other zombies.
• Defibrillator (medical): Revives a dead survivor (probably with 30 health, like after you pick up an incapped survivor).
• Adrenaline (medical): Small health boost plus increased movement speed.

Although they weren't, to my knowledge, available in the demo, there are also laser sights, incendiary ammo, and explosive ammo. I would guess that the laser sight replaces your flash light and the specialized ammo replaces your regular ammo but with a smaller amount. It will be interesting to find out for sure.

And, of course, there are the melee weapons. So far it seems as though they all do the same amount of damage. They replace your pistol, but for some reason (probably the fact that being stuck with a frying pan while you're incapped would suck) you still have a pistol while incapped.

This section is also brought to you by my cat, who was probably a better player than you before you read my super awesome guide to sucking less.

1. omfg get gaem lol!
2. iz in ur gaem talkin on mah mic!
3. meenkatz gits bewted!
4. iz in ur kornr killin ur zombeez!
   
5. no wut 2 do!
6. fier = gud, kaboom = guder!
7. l2p lolol!
8. omfg get gaem agen!

Happy winning, noobs!